Twas the night before Christmas and all through my crib.
I thought I was protected, from all insane libs.
My socks smelling awful, hung outside the door.
In hopes a big wind would air them out a bit more..

In the backyard the dogs were barking like hell.
They must have a treed cat they were anxious to kill.
Being quite snockered, I climbed into bed.
After the first one of many, nightly trips to the head.

When up on the roof, I heard lots of stomping.
Sounded like rhinos or elephants romping.
Straight out the front door, I flew like the flash.
To see a big blob of blubber hit the lawn with a splash,

My yard being covered with two feet of fresh snow.
Had cushioned the fall of what it was, I don't know.
What the hell is this, what's happening here.
I saw a sleigh and eight men dressed as reindeer.

With a fat ugly driver, wearing nylons and boots.
From his transgender reindeer I heard catcalls and hoots.
Slower than molasses, they burst through my door.
The sound of their reindeer boots clattered cross the floor.

Now Peter now Dickie, now Juicy, now Sadie.
On Porky, on Goosey and Deedee, lets try to be ladies.
Straight through my front room, down the hall to my bar.
What kind of crap was this, this perverted clown car.

Like monsters that terrify grown men in their dreams.
Or elicit from innocent children, nightmarish screams.
Into my man cave, the simpering herd of creeps flew.
Carrying a whip, wearing a Tutu, Sick Nick followed too.

Before I knew what was happening, they tore into my booze.
This was a party from Hell, not something I'd choose.
As I entered the room and was turning around.
Sick Nick was on top of the bar in one thunderous bound.

Dressed in see through nylon mesh and stretched out pantyhose.
I gagged for a moment from the stink that arose.
A bundle of sex toys he threw to his reindeer.
My God, I thought, what are they planning on here.

His pig eyes, how they squinted, his demeanor how scary.
He was dressed and madeup like a nightmarish fairy.
His fat little mouth was sucked in like an O.
His fat triple chin was dripping with skoal.

A little glass dick, was clamped tight in his teeth.
The crack he was smoking, circled his head like a wreath.
He thought he was beautiful, a fat transgender bat out of Hell.
His a*s was gigantic, his giant boobs looked unwell.

He was gross and indecent, a huge piece of filth.
I puked when I saw him, I could not help myself.
Bobbing his head and shuffling his feet.
He started a dance that was no kind of treat.

He spoke not a word and sashayed up a storm.
The dance of a drag queen, no style, no form.
A dance of transgender fairies, flashing fat a*s.
Enjoyed by his drag reindeer who were throwing him cash.

He sprang off my bar and out my door they all flew.
They piled into the clown sleigh, the whole perverted crew.
I heard Sick Nick yell as they careened out of sight.
I own the gay bar round the corner, come visit some night.
D.L. Crockett -- 12/24/22